Parental Disapproval
Is the #1 Reason
Why Teens Don’t Drink!

Q. My 9th grade son is just starting to be invited to parties, and in our town this means he is being exposed to older kids who often attend.  Before I give him permission to go, I generally call the house and speak to the parents to ask if they will be home and what steps they’ve taken to ensure alcohol will not be present.  The last time I did this, the parent was somewhat rude, and I suddenly felt like the uncool parent.  At the same time, I want to know my son will be safe.  What should I do?
            — “Cool” but Concerned

A. Your son’s safety is obviously first.  Although you may think you are being an “uncool” parent, you may be surprised to find out that your son and his friends may not feel that way.  I would suggest talking to him; it might mean a lot to him to know you care so much.  If you want to be that “cool” parent, there are ways to do it without the alcohol aspect – try getting involved in parent activities at the high school.
                  — SADD Student

Q. OK, I guess I’m one of those “bad” parents.  After enduring lots of struggles with our older son, we are now resigned to the fact that some kids will drink.  After finding out our younger 10th grade son also started drinking, we decided this time we wanted to institute some control over the environment where he drinks.  My husband and I have started allowing him to host parties in our basement and letting the kids drink in a supervised environment.  This way, we feel we’re keeping them safe.  What is wrong with this?
— Possibly Clueless

A. I wouldn’t say you are a “bad” parent – you are simply trying to find the best way to keep your son safe.  But to answer your question directly, I have three concerns regarding the approach you have taken: 1. Underage drinking is illegal, thus you are violating the law by facilitating youth drinking parties in your home.  And, even if you believe it is OK for your son to drink, is it fair to the parents of other kids to make that decision for them?  2. It is unlikely you are gaining the “control” you are seeking by allowing these parties.  According to SADD’s Teens Today research, more than half (57%) of high school teens who report their parents allow them to drink at home say they drink with their friends, as compared to just 14% of teens who say their parents don’t let them drink.  3. It is also unlikely that all these kids are actually “safe.”  Many teens are injured or killed under the influence of alcohol by falling down stairs, wandering outside and freezing to death or drowning, or choking on their own vomit.  Acute alcohol poisoning is another serious threat to young lives. 
            — Stephen Wallace, SADD Chairman and CEO

Q. Last weekend, my husband and I went out of town, leaving our 10th grade son home to “mind the store.”  Big mistake!  What started as a small gathering of his close friends turned into a
blowout after other kids caught on that the parents would not be home.  I guess we should count ourselves lucky that nobody got hurt and nothing got broken, but we are fairly certain they were drinking.  How do we convey to our son the party was unacceptable and needs to never happen again?
            — Party House No More

A. You have to be honest, and don’t be afraid to have this conversation.  Clarify the rules and explain why you feel the way you do.  Explain that drinking is against the law and that you would have been liable if somebody were to get injured at the party or on their way home.  If you’re OK with it, maybe you should tell your son he can host parties when you are home as long as there is no alcohol or other drugs.
                  — SADD Student

Q. Last night, my 10th grade son called me drunk from a friend’s party and asked for a ride home.  Our agreement was that I would supply the ride, no questions asked, which I did.  Well, now it’s the next day and I’m feeling angry about this turn of events.  How do I establish appropriate but meaningful consequences if I catch my child drinking?
            — Curious

A. If you agreed to the “no questions asked” approach you should stick to it, at least this time. However, you may want to sit down and have a discussion with your child, clearly explaining how you feel.  You could say that you will pick him up without asking any questions, but you will have a discussion about it the following day when you’ve both had a chance to think about it.
                  — SADD Student

Q. My 10th grade son’s life revolves around football and wrestling.  How can I take advantage of his honest dedication to these positive activities to impress upon him the harm of drinking at his age and what it will do to his future – especially in sports?
            — Proud Father of a Jock

A. Of the different “decision factors” that young people weigh in making choices about alcohol, one relates to personal goals.  In other words, they ask themselves, “Will drinking interfere with what I want to accomplish?”  Alcohol is a potent drug and can clearly have a deleterious effect on performance of all kinds, including on the football field.  Continuing to engage your son in dialogue about his personal goals and the choices that best support those goals is an important way to steer him away from drinking.  Another benefit: the views of “significant people” make up another decision factor.  Just letting your son know of your expectations regarding alcohol use can go a long way in influencing his choices.
                  — Stephen Wallace, SADD Chairman and CEO

Q. I catch my 10th grade daughter lying all the time.  No amount of punishment seems to break her of this bad habit.  Consequently, I have no faith that she’s telling me the truth about how and where she spends her weekend nights, and I’m worried about her.  I don’t want to be “that” parent, but should I be calling the houses where she says she’s going?
— In the Dark as Usual

A. There’s not much more frustrating than being lied to by our kids, yet it is a very common occurrence.  Kids routinely tell me how important it is to them that their parents trust them, but a significant number of the same kids either outright lie to or mislead their parents on a regular basis. Let’s look at some statistics: almost all high school students (89%) say it is important that their parents trust them, yet less than half (40%) of these same students are completely honest with their parents.  Calling other parents is an important – and effective – tool in keeping kids away from alcohol.  In fact, young people themselves list it as one of a series of strategies their parents can employ to make it less likely they will drink.  Others include talking about decision-making, setting curfews, staying up until they return home, limiting overnights, asking them to check in by phone (not texting) during the evening, and, believe it or not, enforcing consequences when they break the rules.

Q. My 10th grade daughter is a straight A student who makes good decisions – or at least I thought she did until I smelled alcohol on her breath the other night.  She seems like a perfect kid in every other way; how should I approach this matter of her drinking?  She doesn’t yet know that I know, and I don’t want to mess up what generally is very trusting relationship.
            — Otherwise Proud Parent

A. Your daughter seems to be responsible on most issues. My guess is that she may be unclear about your expectations.  Most teens are strongly influenced by their parents when it comes to alcohol and drug use, so just talk to her.  Let her know that you are very proud of most of her decisions, and you don’t want her to ruin what she has going for her in the future.  Don’t be afraid to mess up the relationship you have with her; most likely the conversation will only build on the bond you have with her.
                  — SADD Student

Q. My 9th grade daughter just told me that her best friend went to a party where there was drinking last weekend and apparently tried alcohol.  My daughter knows she’s too young for this, but she is wondering how to handle if it she finds herself in the same situation.  She knows she has a lot to lose if she messes up.  How can I help her through this dilemma?
— Sincerely Confused

A. Many kids need help developing strategies to get themselves out of sticky situations, such as the one in which your daughter found herself.  A great place to start is role-playing various circumstances that might arise and what responses she might give.  Without a plan of action, or at least a practiced answer to a question such as “Do you want a beer?” many kids end up making choices they don’t want to make.  Like a football player practicing a fumble drill or a firefighter practicing a rescue, teens who think through and role-play responses to tough situations are more likely to do what they want to do than to make a split-second error in judgment due to peer pressure.  Second, I advise families to devise what I call a “bailout plan” – in other words, some way that the young person can extricate herself without embarrassment.  I remember one family’s bailout plan: “If other kids start drinking or using drugs, call home and ask how grandma’s surgery went.  We’ll pick you up around the corner.”
            — Stephen Wallace, SADD Chairman and CEO

Q. How can I interest my 9th grade boy in doing something besides partying?  He claims there’s nothing to do in our town, but surely that’s not the whole story.  We have a beach, mall, movie theater, recreation center, and a bowling alley in town.  He could also participate in many school events.  Help!
            — Confused

A. Your son probably isn’t partying because there isn’t anything to do, but because 9th grade is a difficult transition period and he wants to fit in.  Besides the activities you listed are available in your town, encourage your son to get involved with school clubs and activities.  Also, if you’re comfortable doing so, allow your son to host a substance-free party at your house to show that he can have a good time without the alcohol.
                   — SADD Student

Q. Last year we hosted a party for our son who just graduated from high school.  We invited his friends as well as some of our own.  The adults were drinking, and later we discovered that the kids helped themselves to our beer stash in the basement.  I’m now thinking we adults probably should not have been drinking at the kids’ party; we set the wrong kind of example.  What do you think?
            — Bad or Clueless Parent

A. I think you know exactly what was wrong in this situation.  Kids are highly influenced by their parents’ actions, and by allowing the adults to drink you weren’t setting the right example.  Tell your son that you messed up by having alcohol at the party, but you are also disappointed that the kids helped themselves too.  Let him know that drinking is OK when done responsibly and legally after 21, but until then it’s simply too dangerous.
                  — SADD Student

Q. When I was young, the drinking age was 18 and, yes, our group did experiment.  Unfortunately, my 15-year-old son is all too aware of this, and he brings it up all the time.  How can I impress upon him that what we used to do was a mistake, the drinking age has changed for a reason, and now we know a lot more reasons why teens shouldn’t drink?
— Interested in the Facts

A. Even adolescents tend to be very “black and white” when it comes to issues regarding personal behavior: “If you did it when you were in high school, why can’t I do it?” is a common refrain heard by parents everywhere.  I think you are quite right to point out the change in the law and, more important, the reasons behind it.  Let’s face it: although it may be tough work, our job is to keep our kids safe. Period.  And the good news is that kids tend to understand that.  When we avoid preaching and moralizing and focus our conversation on our concern for their safety, we are more likely to find receptive ears on the other side of the dinner table.  Here are some important facts about alcohol use that you can share with your son: alcohol use by teens affects still-developing cognitive abilities and impairs memory and learning; the earlier one starts using alcohol, the more likely it is that he will struggle with alcohol problems later in life; teens who drink are more likely to commit or be the victim of violence (including sexual assault) and to experience depression and suicidal thoughts; alcohol-related automobile crashes kill thousands of teens each year and injure millions more.  Good news can be found in our research, which shows that parents who talk with their teens about underage drinking, set expectations, and enforce consequences are significantly less likely to have children who drink.
                  — Stephen Wallace, SADD Chairman and CEO